• How Now, Update?

    4 Jun 2009, 14:58

    Sorry for the long delay in the posting. My previous post summed up the last month or so of my life - hell. Crazy crazy busy, crises, academic rape, etc. etc. and so forth.

    Today, I'm sitting in my new apartment in Maryland, about to start an internship in DC on Wednesday. I've been in the city for a week now, and I'm loving it so far. I haven't gotten to many monuments or museums, but eventually I'm sure I will.

    My twenty-first birthday is in eight days!! Friends from home who live in DC are designing a four-quadrant bar crawl, which I fear I may not survive.

    Life is good, now that I'm off campus. I haven't graduated, but if I finish this internship (and a potentially amazing class called "leadership and development of non-profit organizations) I'll have a BA in International Studies & Kicking Ass.

    More to come, I promise.
  • Updates

    8 Abr 2009, 0:43

    My life is hell.


    That is all.
  • J-Curve, on the Rise

    2 Feb 2009, 14:17

    I feel good. Aches in my shoulders and neck aside (I moved yesterday), things have stabilized and I'm doing much better.

    The last couple weeks have been rough, having fell out of favor of the girls I was living with and inevitably being forced to leave the house. My new apartment is pretty and quiet and the girls within seem quiet and nice.

    Enough of that. Progress!

    I know I complain a lot about the weather (my Brazilian friend can attest to this =) ), but really? I'm tired of snowing, icing, thawing, freezing. I want sunshine and a reason to wear flowing gauze skirts and tie-dye shirts. This winter thing has worn out his welcome, and he needs to leave. Now. Bah.

    I just bought a 12-month Last.fm subscription. You should to. I'm hoping that they will expand over the next year to include other features; or at least let me know what they are. Because currently, all I can tell that are extra features are the Loved Library, and a cute frame around my picture (which I've changed. do you like it?).

    I'm on the way up, buddy boy! It's going to be a great week.
  • Finally Some Support..

    24 Ene 2009, 6:24

    Today seemed to be "praise Carly day". After 2 1/2 years of feeling like a total piece of college shit, I finally got to hear my advisor (the lovable asshole) say "You've got a bright future ahead of you." My heart just swelled, because it was the first time he's recognized my growth as a scholar. Of course, directly after that he was quick to say "I'm pissed that you wasted the first two years of your undergraduate career and almost ruined your life, but you're doing good now." Whaaaatever! The point is, Dr. Grossman finally acknowledged my efforts. I've waited so long to get that support. And THEN, when I was in the café, a professor-friend of mine was playing Scrabble with another, and he said something similar to Dr. Grossman's prescription of my future. He hit the nail on the head, though, when he said to me, "but you've got to look past these little things that seem to be tripping you up - they're not going to mean a thing at graduation."

    He's right, I let every detail of my day-to-day existence get me down, and lose sight of the big picture amidst little details that don't really matter. Roommate spats (of which there are many - I hate living with girls, I really do), Senate kinks, etc. etc. None of it matters (though it all must be dealt with) in the long run.

    Breath, stretch, shake, let it go.

    I'm at a good place in my work that I can take the day off tomorrow. But with this momentum, I'll probably end up back in the library. I used to feel like this work was weighing me down and it was sucking up my soul. But really, that's all I've got going for me. And especially since I've been hearing all day that I'm doing well and if I keep going I can do even better, I'm really motivated to keep my eye on the prize.

    See what happens when you encourage someone? It's beautiful.
  • Do What You Feel, Now!

    20 Ene 2009, 7:45

    This afternoon, Mr. Obama will become President Obama. I cannot wait. I'll be in class during the historic speech, which is incredibly disappointing. But nevertheless, I will be so happy to see the failure of a presidency finally end, and the dawn of a new era of US American democracy that is rooted in HOPE finally begin.

    In a recent Dr. King-inspire address, Mr. Obama has asked every US American to do at least 50 hours of service this year. I truly intend to honor his wishes, because I feel that service is unjustly overlooked. Today I knocked out two hours with the college's MLK Day of Service, washing toys and cleaning a room for a local domestic violence shelter. I think I may try to scope out a volunteer position at the local hospital, which is within walking distance of the college (I am still without a car).

    As US Americans, we should be giving a lot more than we do. I'm going to do my part to fix it. I hope you'd consider doing the same.


    Someone accused me of "standing on a pedestal" today. I didn't feel this was accurate. Just because no one else calls out the US American public on being lazy on MLK day, it doesn't make me self-righteous for doing so. I know that I'm doing much much less than I should be - I'd like to change that.


    oooh girl,
    shock me like an electric eel!
    baby girl,
    turn me on with an Electric Feel
  • Oh Wah.

    16 Ene 2009, 8:29

    I'm not one for being single. I've always had a girlfriend or boyfriend around, and most of the relationships have been terrific, though some have met a tragic end. But for seven months, I've been forging a path on my own without a partner to share it with. At first, it was just fine. In fact, up until this week I've been okay without someone to love. But after a while, any girl needs that sort of companionship. I've been feeling the "heart tug" - that loneliness that can only be fulfilled by someone who cares about you in that special way. It's also the realization that I am growing older, and the era of frivolous relationships and casual sex has come to a close. It's time to find a deeper meaning in intimacy and.. dare I say.. love.

    "Oh God," you think. "One of those journal entries."
    Well, sorry. I just figured I'd deviate from the usual drone of school stress and social awkwardness.

    Anyway.


    I have also come to realize that my life lacks passion. Meaning, I have not enjoyed a day of my life since the summer of 2006, when I spent my days beneath a waterfall with some of the best people I know. Truly, I am no longer happy. I do not have fun - even when I'm having fun. I don't even have a favorite color. I lack definition.

    I went to a lecture today, and Dr. Abercrumbie of the University of Cincinnati was referencing Dr. King's & President Obama's ability to be loved by people. He distinguished being "respected and liked" and "truly being loved by the masses". Now, I'm not saying I am even a fraction of Dr. King and President Obama. Despite the fact that I am the President of the Student Body, there isn't a soul here who loves me - I've always been liked (by most), but I cannot say that those who I encounter everyday loved me. Truly! And I am not fishing for compliments or asking for you, the reader, to leave me a comment saying how much you love me, but when I say that I am not loved, I mean that no one knows me well enough to feel that way. I've lost that spiritual and emotional connection with my world that enabled strong, loving relationships - romantic and friendly. I have isolated myself with work and distractions and poison, living on the periphery of consciousness - never truly intellectual, never spiritual. Only human.

    For a relationship to succeed, one must be able to have a deeper involvement in her life. And I have been merely surviving, operating as a machine in the greater engine of existence (oh god, I'm making bad analogies. This is one of those entries). But also, to have a deeper involvement in one's life sometimes takes another individual who helps her realize how good the world can be.

    I don't intend to whine that I'm alone and I'll be this way forever, but I have this ominous feeling that my sudden bout of loneliness is nowhere near over. To exacerbate things, my anxiety and pessimism keeps me from even the hope of finding someone in this moment. Admittedly, I'm weak and unstable as I approach the final months of youth. I don't know where I'm going, I don't have any plans, and there resides on my shoulders the constant weight of fear. To be in a relationship right now, at this moment has a possibility of raping both my emotions and those of the poor soul who adventured into my world. It would not be wise to take that step now.

    And yet every night as I go to bed alone, my heart feels so heavy. A bed seems miles wide when there is no one beside you. I so terribly crave that closeness, that simple joy of waking up next to someone and getting that morning breath kiss (gross).

    So where do I go from here? Start dating? I could never just go on dates with random guys my roommates swear is "the perfect one for me". I can't go to bars and pick up girls. I don't want a relationship that won't last. I'm ready to settle down (not in the scary, house-and-a-dog kind of way) and have a serious connection with someone. I want to love. I don't think I've ever loved before. I've adored, I've been smitten, I've worshiped, I've been manipulated, and I've been a teenager (we all thought we were in love with her/him - admit it). The other option is to improve myself - get into shape, find joy in the day to day, deepen my spiritual awareness. Maybe if I get back on the right path, that someone will be unexpectedly.. perfect.

    If you're wondering where all this came from, I just returned home from a Going Away party. I felt sad because a great friend was leaving for a while. And, quite selfishly, I felt sad because I realized that I could not list anyone who would come to my Going Away party.

    I know, boo hoo. Poor me. I really don't want sympathy. I just wanted to articulate my recent thought processes, hoping if I wrote it out I would understand it better. I don't, but it's a start.
  • Disreconnect

    5 Ene 2009, 21:51

    I was without a working computer for a while, thanks to medieval wiring at my house that blew up my laptop adapter. Gah. That was an ordeal.

    New Year's Resolutions are for pussies.

    Carly: Do you think 12 books in one week is too much? My head hurts...
    Dr. Grossman: 12 books in one week? Is that all? You might be ready for grad school after all...


    I think he's starting to appreciate my efforts.

    This is the last week of winter break, and I'm all ready stressed about school. I love it. I love being busy, I really do. But I don't like being behind in work before even starting work. What the hell? This is UNDERgrad. UNDERachievers don't stress out in UNDERgrad. I miss Kent State, where the classes are laughable and no one expected attendance. Sheesh.

    I actually woke up early today, worked out, ate breakfast, and all that responsible shit. It was nice to have all that extra time in the morning, and I think I'll continue on this path until I generate the balls to start polyphasic sleep (I bought coffee).

    Pause.
  • The White Winter Hymnal

    22 Dic 2008, 17:16

    It's. so. cold.

    I really hate the wintertime, it makes my eyes water and I have to wear too many clothes.

    Polyphasic sleep crashed, burned, flipped over, and imploded. I can't help but oversleep during my 1am nap. So, I'm giving up for a while. I really want to do it during the school year, though, so I may try again at the beginning of the New Year, when people are done partying and I'm out coffee (I love coffee so much).

    I was sitting here for a minute, and my caffeine-starved noggin conjured up a distant memory, of the time I created a scavenger hunt in our small small house for my little sister and her friends, the treasure at the end being her birthday cake. It was fun to sit in my room and listen to them scurry around the house, trying to find the next clue. They even tried knocking on my door a couple times before they had the "Secret Code" to access the "Weathered Birthday Hag", and suppressing giggles I would turn them away.

    That was a good night.


    Walcott.
  • Alll right, look at my shoes...

    19 Dic 2008, 9:10

    Day One - Polyphasic Sleep.

    I got a full night's rest last night, and started napping at 1, 5, 9 o'clocks, starting with the 1pm. Predictably, I did not sleep for any of those naps (even the 1AM nap in the car on the way from the aforementioned concert at the HiFi [more on that later]). I'm pretty tired, but I should be okay for a 5am nap. My main concern is oversleeping, so I have an arsenal of alarms, ranging in tone, decibel, and blinky lights (including one that rings at 113 Decibels [the threshold of pain for noise is 130] and shakes the bed [there, I admit it - I own a bed vibrator. go ahead and giggle]. Needless to say, it sounds like the fire alarm). I'll those babies cranked up as loud as they can be. I may even turn my iPod alarm on, playing Awake. But, I digress.
    iPod Smart Playlist of the Week: "The Centralized Ideology". Rating 4 to 5 stars, and play count more than the median of your total playcounts (mine was 23).

    a
    b e a u t i f u l
    mind
    (that's a little too "expanded" to be functioning)
  • I Always Burn the Rice

    17 Dic 2008, 23:20

    Ahhh, an empty house. Very nice.

    I'm starting a new polyphasic sleep cycle tomorrow. No core sleep at all, just six 20-minute naps every four hours. This will give me twenty-two working hours every day. No more wasted hours in unnecessary sleep. It's going to be great! I can't wait; I'll be sure to update more often and comment on my progress.

    Over the month of winter break, I'm going to be reading everything there is on Relative Deprivation, Zimbabwean riots, and political revolutions. It will all boil down to a (hopefully) revolutionary measure that I will create - the Hope Index. A quantifiable measure of someone's Hope!! Oh man, the political implications.

    I want to read the Wikipedia article on "Bread".

    I purchased my rice cooker a few months ago, and I think I've gotten the hang of it. I just have to scrape the bottom after dinner, because there is always a brown, crunchy layer of starch and failure at the bottom when I'm finished. Lately I've been adding 1/2 cup of frozen broccoli and a left over packet of Ramen seasoning. Dericious.

    The semester was a successful one, and I'm looking forward to my last academic semester ever. I really wanted to do an overload semester (21 Credit Hours), but I couldn't afford the extra $1200 for taking one more class.

    Tomorrow, I'm going to the Elsinore/We Landed on the Moon/High 5 for Harmonies concert at the HiFi in Cleveland. I've never been to the venue, so I'm excited to see it. I really love Elsinore a lot, so I'm excited to see them play live. Oooh, let them play Cannonballs!

    Annnnnnd I'm spent.