16 Ene 2009, 8:29
I'm not one for being single. I've always had a girlfriend or boyfriend around, and most of the relationships have been terrific, though some have met a tragic end. But for seven months, I've been forging a path on my own without a partner to share it with. At first, it was just fine. In fact, up until this week I've been okay without someone to love. But after a while, any girl needs that sort of companionship. I've been feeling the "heart tug" - that loneliness that can only be fulfilled by someone who cares about you in that special way. It's also the realization that I am growing older, and the era of frivolous relationships and casual sex has come to a close. It's time to find a deeper meaning in intimacy and.. dare I say.. love.
"Oh God," you think. "One of those journal entries."
Well, sorry. I just figured I'd deviate from the usual drone of school stress and social awkwardness.
I have also come to realize that my life lacks passion. Meaning, I have not enjoyed a day of my life since the summer of 2006, when I spent my days beneath a waterfall with some of the best people I know. Truly, I am no longer happy. I do not have fun - even when I'm having fun. I don't even have a favorite color. I lack definition.
I went to a lecture today, and Dr. Abercrumbie of the University of Cincinnati was referencing Dr. King's & President Obama's ability to be loved by people. He distinguished being "respected and liked" and "truly being loved by the masses". Now, I'm not saying I am even a fraction of Dr. King and President Obama. Despite the fact that I am the President of the Student Body, there isn't a soul here who loves me - I've always been liked (by most), but I cannot say that those who I encounter everyday loved me. Truly! And I am not fishing for compliments or asking for you, the reader, to leave me a comment saying how much you love me, but when I say that I am not loved, I mean that no one knows me well enough to feel that way. I've lost that spiritual and emotional connection with my world that enabled strong, loving relationships - romantic and friendly. I have isolated myself with work and distractions and poison, living on the periphery of consciousness - never truly intellectual, never spiritual. Only human.
For a relationship to succeed, one must be able to have a deeper involvement in her life. And I have been merely surviving, operating as a machine in the greater engine of existence (oh god, I'm making bad analogies. This is one of those entries). But also, to have a deeper involvement in one's life sometimes takes another individual who helps her realize how good the world can be.
I don't intend to whine that I'm alone and I'll be this way forever, but I have this ominous feeling that my sudden bout of loneliness is nowhere near over. To exacerbate things, my anxiety and pessimism keeps me from even the hope of finding someone in this moment. Admittedly, I'm weak and unstable as I approach the final months of youth. I don't know where I'm going, I don't have any plans, and there resides on my shoulders the constant weight of fear. To be in a relationship right now, at this moment has a possibility of raping both my emotions and those of the poor soul who adventured into my world. It would not be wise to take that step now.
And yet every night as I go to bed alone, my heart feels so heavy. A bed seems miles wide when there is no one beside you. I so terribly crave that closeness, that simple joy of waking up next to someone and getting that morning breath kiss (gross).
So where do I go from here? Start dating? I could never just go on dates with random guys my roommates swear is "the perfect one for me". I can't go to bars and pick up girls. I don't want a relationship that won't last. I'm ready to settle down (not in the scary, house-and-a-dog kind of way) and have a serious connection with someone. I want to love. I don't think I've ever loved before. I've adored, I've been smitten, I've worshiped, I've been manipulated, and I've been a teenager (we all thought we were in love with her/him - admit it). The other option is to improve myself - get into shape, find joy in the day to day, deepen my spiritual awareness. Maybe if I get back on the right path, that someone will be unexpectedly.. perfect.
If you're wondering where all this came from, I just returned home from a Going Away party. I felt sad because a great friend was leaving for a while. And, quite selfishly, I felt sad because I realized that I could not list anyone who would come to my Going Away party.
I know, boo hoo. Poor me. I really don't want sympathy. I just wanted to articulate my recent thought processes, hoping if I wrote it out I would understand it better. I don't, but it's a start.