12 Ago 2008, 3:21

Look Up

As the remnants of summer hangs in the air while September begins to claim it's territory, it becomes oh so apparent that letting go is and always will be a very hard thing to do. In the next few weeks I will be overcome with guilt for not spending as much time with those friends I will not see for another 4 months, for not saving all the money I made, for not embracing the sunlight and most importantly the fact that I really won't feel as guilty as I should. That in itself is a conundrum that I am nowhere near ready to address.
But maybe I will try. I have been ready to go back to Boston the moment I got home. The worst part is this summer hasn't had that certain feeling of invincibility that is only apparent in the summer. I referred to it as a transition time. I realized who matters and who never did, who I would be better off without, and who I can't live without. I fell in lust and fell out again only to fall in love. Perhaps I shouldn't say "only" as if it weren't a life changing occurrence. Though we've been through hard times, I can feel it in my bones that there's a reason he came back around, a reason beyond the ones he has shown me. From the stutter I develop in his presence to thoughts of our future are enough to send any girl into complete Euphoria. I know I will wear his sweater whenever I miss him too much. And it's comforting to know he's a t-ride and a drive away. But we're young and crazy about each other, and that's enough reassurance I need.
Though autumn brings distance, I have realized it is without a doubt my favorite season. I adored summer in my youth and feel like a bit of a traitor for admitting that, but the trees shedding its leaves symbolize that we as human beings need to rid ourselves of things in order to keep healthy and happy. Though I had to do a lot of that this summer, it hasn't settled until autumn began to creep in. Plus it gives us all a reason to find something or someone to keep warm, whether that be a vast array of sweaters in all shapes, sizes and colors, a significant other or maybe even both if you're a lucky girl like me.
I am excited to go back to Boston and resume my life. I am excited to take my art and philosophy class. I am excited to be around those who care about me and generally are only a walk away. I can't wait to be blinded by the city lights once again, and to sit on the bleachers staring up at the Pru while facing an L with my room mate or stumble around Boston in heels trying to wave down a Taxi at 3am to take me back to my dorm.
So here I go. In the next year I will turn 20 and I'm ready for reinvention (or perhaps evolution is a better word) into my adulthood. I have high aspirations, to own an art gallery, antique store or coffee shop, to have an apartment with no wall space due to my excessive collection of books and CDs and paintings, to have no floor space because it has been occupied with the contents of my closet and magazine subscriptions, to drink wine with every meal, and fill my belly with coffee and croissants in the morning.
Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself, but in order to step out of the past you have to make great plans for the future. I am shedding my past much like the trees shed their leaves. The truth is I don't know what my future will hold, but I know that I will stay who I have worked so hard to be and maybe he'll be there right with me.
Good bye, summer. You were rather unkind to me this year, but you redeemed yourself slightly.


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