Miércoles 29 May 2013, 9:57
Greetings and salutations my friends and fellow par-takers in this game called Life. I'm back from my travels, once again yearning to put thought to screen for someone's reading pleasure. Surely this goes undetected and since I don't allow comments I will never know. In any case here I am feeling discombobulated at the latest turn of events in my ever exciting life. None of what's happening right now is bad. This is how I get when I know things are beyond my control now. I withdraw. Become pensive and moody. The changes are happening as was predicted by the Guardians, the importance of it overwhelming me at this time. Why do I find it impossible to organize my thoughts? Usually I'm much better at expressing the written thought when my tongue succeeds in capitulating speech, which seems to be all the time the older I become. And suddenly the urge to confess what I have been longing to confess but cannot seem to find the right phrase or attitude in which to do it, so shall I just say the thing I want to say so maddeningly boisterous? Instead I'll whisper it. I am in love. That's it. I've been thinking it. Certainly I've been feeling it. And now I am declaring it here for anyone, everyone, and no one to see. I am in love, and it's got me unnerved. Why? Because for the first time in a long time I am getting the thing I've wanted forever. The love of a man who I love back. It should be simple. Boy and girl meet and fall in love and live happily ever after. Our story is not simple however because human beings are complicated creatures no matter how much we strive for simplicity. Our genetic make-up deems it so. Perhaps some humans manage it better than others, and certainly I confess to being one of the more complicated ones, just for the way my mind works alone. At present I find it impossible to ignore the events unfolding both externally and internally, so there is a constant flutter of mental activity no matter the condition. I do more thinking than doing that's to say the least, over-analysis being one of my favorite daily pastimes. But it's like the record is stuck on a scratch. I used to feel as though I was no stranger to the emotion yet here now I say I have never in my life felt these particular feelings before. Ten years ago is a lifetime in the world of changing lives. Ironically I entered my thirties with a broken heart that is still mending to this day for comparatively speaking I find myself in new, uncharted territory with the amazing man I now lovingly refer to as my boyfriend. Still feels weird to say it out loud. My boyfriend. I haven't said those two words together like that in ten years. This is what the Universe has been talking about all along, and it's why I am going through it again as I adapt to the new life I am only just starting to live.The new chapter has begun and his name is Lover. To have never felt intensity such as this with anyone before now, you can imagine the state I am in. With my last relationship I used to describe the feelings I was experiencing as a spider web, meaning the more I struggled the stronger it had me. Except I wasn't really struggling. It was all meant to be romantically symbolic. This time feels different from that despite the fact I recognize the sensations. Goes to show the basic outline barely wavers, it just takes on new dimensions because of the dynamic of the two people involved directly. And yes I do realize I am babbling here within the confines of this thought process but it's what I need to do right now. I trust no one with my feelings about him. Not even him or myself. There is a lingering thread of mistrust that I struggle to sever, not towards him, but of the situation. It's really a mistrust of myself in a whole lot of ways, that is to say, that gnawing annoyance of self-doubt which is the bane of my existence. My only enemy resides within myself. That's why I get quiet. Because I know what I must do. I see my steps in front of me. He has my hand, ready for me to take that leap of faith with him. Is it supposed to feel awkward as though I am doing this for the very first time? Am I turning into an inexperienced virgin all of a sudden? Where did the bad-ass bitch go? All of a sudden I've reverted to that 5 year old who nervously hand-crafted her first Valentine to a boy out of a brown paper bag. It was the first rejection I never seemed to get over. Thirty five years later that girl-child still exists, only resurfacing now after being buried beneath the surface for all those long years. It's time to let go of childish things. Face destiny bravely. Like Peter Pan I don't want to grow up. One pill makes you shorter and one pill makes you tall and the pills that mother gives you don't do anything at all……