• How I felt - Jan. 17, 2011

    18 Ene 2011, 19:56

    Heart racing, I can feel my pulse throbbing in my neck as the door latches closed.
    My mind is doing laps around my heart - bouncing from one extreme to the other and back again.
    I feel a calming wave come over me. I know that feeling. My body starts to prepare for what it thinks is to come.

    She sits there, the exact same spot as before ... but I see her differently now.
    Where I used to see inspiration, my partner - to always walk beside me and see me through ...
    Now I see a vaccuum, just being close again - I feel like I must watch for what may slip away this time.

    The plan is a simple business-like one. Make room, show a kind gesture, and expect only some rational response.
    A small hiccup, no major wrinkle - plenty to show, no holds barred. Guarded revelation, half-hearted offer.
    A hint of hope - a trigger of a different physical response - a tease. More waiting, time will tell, as always.

    The visualizations are incredible. The sensations overpowering. It feels as though all nerves are in overdrive.

    - OMFG -

    Now that's the most incredible, peak-and-valley roller-coaster ride - of this whole fuggin trip.

    Just enough time to write the above, and I'm drawn back into the house. Simply knowing that is all it takes to see her, makes it easy.
    The sight of her, oblivious to me approaching has its moment ... then is cast aside.
    Sadly, there is still no warm smile - no inviting arms. She is guarding some views.

    Another transition - what's to come next? Return to a comfortable, quiet zone - but additional factors follow.
    A quick tentative plan clears the air - eyes meet - a moment unlike any others. I exclaim the sentiment, and am driven to her.
    She looks at me with eyes I do not recognize, a look I don't recall having seen before. I wonder what I look like?

    I know there is still a bond undescribable - I feel her movements as if for the first time.
    I can sense how powerful things are inside each of us, around each other - I draw heavily in, and close.
    I feel softly, lightly brushing closely - fighting back the urge to grab tightly.

    I want to start anew, freshly check her over - completely revealing all - exploring and learning.
    I feel her reaching up to feel me, I tense, then relax again. I find inviting places to make contact.
    Her warmth is comforting - it beckons me to stay. I know we must move again, and wait more.

    --- RELEASE ---

    A chance to shine, never uninterrupted.

    Disturbed, perturbed, unnerved - we make haste and press on.
    With a sense of urgency, we concentrate our efforts and work together.
    How akwardly natural it seems - playing right beside one another, but not on the same team.

    Our paths forever intertwined - our goals so similar - how did we grow so far apart?
    The combination of us together feels exactly as designed, perfect form and function - only what's lost is missing.
    I've grasped, grabbed, grappled, and flailed - tried to hold on too tight - in the end, I've failed.

    I think it's time to shoot for the unknown - If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone.

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