So a lot of people have been writing entries in which they trash their top ten. So I'm jumpin' on the band wagon. Why? Because I'm bored, and because I find it much easier to criticize than to gush. The artists I love tend to be the ones that I say little about as a result.
Keep in mind that what follows might just contain some sarcasm.
OK, so "some" is an understatement...
Not to say that none of these criticisms are valid, but when it came to my top three, I was really reaching...
10.
Erase Errata
For starters, their name is an obscure reference to PRINTING, which has nothing whatsoever to do with music or the band and it's kind of pretentious. Speaking of pretentious, how about the song title "A Thief Detests the Criminal, Elements of the Ruling Class"? That sounds like communist talk to me.
Apparently, Erase Errata doesn't have the wherewithal to write an interesting song that lasts for more than two minutes, judging from the average length of the tracks on their albums. Their jangly frenetic guitars and weird screechy vocals just get old too fast. And despite the fact that they claim Captain Beefheart as a major inspiration, I have to say, their work reminds me of his pretty much not at all.
9.
Liliput
These guys can't keep a line-up together. How many vocalists did they go through, anyway? Their original name was Kleenex, which clearly suggests that they are a thin, papery product for smearing boogers on. There's very little real talent in this band, it's just a bunch of Swiss chicks who decided that they wanted to be cool thrashing away on their instruments with utter ineptitude. Apparently, Switzerland is so far removed from the rest of Europe's music scene that no one told them that punk was dead before they even started playing.
8.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Being popular does NOT make you good. Their second LP SUCKED (and I actually believe that, too). Karen O might try to sound like Patti Smith and Siouxsie Sioux but there's just something lacking in her voice. There's something lacking in the band, in general...could it be originality?
7.
The Kills
Again, being popular does not equal good. Why did it suddenly become ok to not have a drummer? I mean, the drums are the backbone of rock in so many ways. And why are there so many cute little chick vocalists out there who can't play an instrument? WHAT ARE YOU REALLY CONTRIBUTING, "VV"? That's a stupid nickname, by the way, and Hotel is even worse. What, he's an overnight stop for hookers and their johns?
These guys don't know how to end a song. They all fade out or just drag on and on, repetitively. It's like listening to the band masturbate at the end of every track. And their lyrics are weirdly repetitive and referential, too. It's like they found combinations of words that they thought sounded cool and threw them into all their songs.
6,
Sleater-Kinney
Corin Tucker really, really can't sing. There's so much vibrato in her voice that Carrie Brownstein could use her as a vibrator. And wtf is up with her suddenly having a baby and being married to some dude? I know she's bi, but she sang all those goddamn songs about how gross penises are in the early days of SK. She dresses like a school-teacher and Carrie Brownstein dresses like a teenage boy. Maybe that was the attraction, actually...
Anyway, apart from the whole not being able to sing thing, I really don't need to hear a bunch of anthems against the male sex, thanks, or a bunch of feminist bull-shit, either. Their liberal agenda is also bull-shit. Or I guess I should say WAS, cause they were too busy maintaining a bunch of crappy side-projects to keep the band together.
Oh, and dating your bandmate = really really dumb.
5.
The Folk Implosion
Lou Barlow stopped drinking and the music started to suck (but I guess that would be the NEW Folk Implosion. Whatever, they suck). He couldn't be bothered to include a drummer in the group, so there's a drum machine, which is fine, except that Lou can't figure out how to play it.
He's also far too obsessed with his own genitals and with himself in general. This band is maybe two steps away from emo. Lou is so tortured and alone because he's a giant asshole in his personal life and so no one wants to be near him. Not the members of Sebadoh, even. Oh, and songs about how awesome Los Angeles is do not attract my sympathy.
4.
Sonic Youth
AHAHAHA. Fucking pretentious bastards. Destroying your guitar to create feedback is NOT music. No one in the band can sing. Their lyrics are creepy and off-putting - that is, when they can be understood- and they have an unhealthy preoccupation with Karen Carpenter. Why do we care that some skinny chick in the sixties was too crazy to cram some fucking food in her mouth? Maybe it's because Kim is suffering from similar problems...this is, by the way, one ugly band. No sex symbols here.
It must be nice to be so rich that you can run through about twenty guitars over the duration of your stage show.
3.
Pixies
Listen, Frank, you don't speak Spanish, so stop trying to fool us. Also, you should let Kim sing and have more creative control or she might quit the band. Oh, right, she did. Whoops.
Their albums are often uneven, and what they think is forging into new creative territory is usually just a really, really bad decision. Over the years, they've rocked less and less until they're doing countrified songs like "Silver" and schmaltzy tracks about the Roswell alien. References to Dali and the bible don't make you cool, they make you seem pretentious. Again, Pixies lack the ability to maintain a listener's interest for longer than a couple of minutes. Beyond that, it would all be tragically boring.
2.
Sebadoh
Lou Barlow is SOOO whiny. He's always either screaming or whining. It's like listening to someone throw a tantrum.
These guys just don't know how to produce an album. Their early work is way underdone, so sparse it's hard to take it seriously. Those early acoustic tracks would sound like songs for children if it weren't for all the swearing and marijuana references. Oh, yeah, and the pot ISN'T helping the band sound better, sorry. On the other hand, their later work is over-produced, which is a tragic mistake for a band that's supposed to be lo-fi.
Incidentally, the lo-fi genre is just an excuse for being lazy and stoned.
Harmacy was a pretty awful album, and the Freed Weed scares people. Seriously. I had a redheaded fat man refuse to leave my boyfriend's (now husband's…I'm having trouble adjusting to that) dorm room back in college because he was freaking out due to the Freed Weed and a headful of weed and booze. Weed and booze, man, that's nothing! And the boy and I really wanted to screw, too. Damn you Sebadoh, interfering with my sex life with your distorted declarations of genius-hood.
Tape machines are for poor people. Also, Lou Barlow needs to stop masturbating.
Oh, and way to hang on to a drummer.
1.
PJ Harvey
The bible scares me, PJ. Why the hell are you flogging songs about Samson and Delilah, Mother Mary, and Eve? You're creepy.
Shrieking, keening, and moaning on each and every track aren't exactly palatable, either.
Classical instruments have no place in rock music; don't you know that? Just because you're an accomplished cellist and violinist doesn't mean that you have a right to subject your fans to such nonsense. Just stick to the basics: guitar, bass, drums.
Speaking of the basics, a nice 4/4 time signature would be, well, nice.
And don’t you threaten me with releasing an all-piano album. Piano music sucks. Why on earth don't you stick with stuff that you know already works instead of being experimental and innovative?
Silly girl. Keep your invention and creativity, and above all, your vagina, to yourself.
Liliput
