Nick Reviews: The Magpie Riddle

22 May 2009 | de

Common Magpie

Encyclopedia are well known for being highly established as one of the finest rock and roll outfits in the United Kingdom today. (Second only to the mighty Fightstar) But what a lot of people don’t know is that our lives are almost completely dictated by how many Magpies we see each day in relation to the old riddle:

One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl
Four for a boy
Five for silver
Six for gold
Seven for a secret that's never to be told
Eight is a wish
Nine is a kiss
Ten for a bird that's never to be missed

Its been well publicised that Adam once saw eight Magpies over the course of a day and wished he could be invisible. He then proceeded to take off his trousers and pants, run into a primary school and flail his genitals backward and forward, slapping them against his stomach and backside while shouting profanities. He was arrested and charged with causing life lasting damage to the young. And Seb once saw six Magpies in one day and was so convinced he was about to receive a whole lotta’ gold that he hired a JCB and filled the scoop with Polaroid photos he had taken of Crème Eggs balancing on kittens. (I don’t know how many of you have ever tried balancing a Crème Egg on kitten, but it’s freaking hard to do.)

Needless to say Adam didn’t get his wish, and Seb received no gold, but did get a massive credit card bill.

This leads me to question the Magpie riddle and possibly my own existence?

Magpies are much more common in the early weeks of summer because this is period after they have laid their eggs, raised their chicks…and then eaten them…and then eaten every other birds chicks…and then eaten the other birds. Then they go back to just chilling out and writing poetry. Few people realise that Magpies don’t lay eggs to create more magpies. They lay eggs because chicks are damn tasty. I know what you’re all thinking. “Nick, if Magpies eat all the chicks they make, how are there so many Magpies around?” Well let me tell you. Magpies don’t hatch from eggs like all other birds. Magpies are actually grown from seeds planted in the soil and germinate like a Courgette. When they are big enough and too heavy for the plant to hold they drop off…and eat the plant. BANG! You just got hit with a fact and you love it. Don’t believe me? Hit up Wikipedia. Wikipedia never lies. BANG! That was another fact.

So we’ve established that in the early weeks of summer we are much more likely to see Magpies because this is when they are writing their poetry, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and shooting some b-ball outside of the school. This explains why most days I see one or two Magpies around and either get joy or sorrow according to the riddle. But my life appears to be unaffected regardless of how many Magpies I see. It contains no clarity, no obvious happiness or unhappiness. Just……..ness? This leads me to believe that the riddle is either a crock of shit or for the riddle to take effect you must witness the Magpies all together. I.e. Six for gold, you must see all six Magpies together chilling out as oppose to six separate Magpies throughout the course of a day. A pretty tough task if you ask me. I’ve never seen more than two Magpies at once. I won’t lie; I’ve never seen more than five birds together all at one time ever…in my entire life. I don’t think its possible.

So the only way this was going to be possible was to catch as many Magpies as I could and put them in a cage together and hope that maybe the riddle would finally come good. The results were not ideal. As I didn’t have a camera with me (because I don’t own a camera) I had to rely on my unbelievable artistic skills to portray what I witnessed. Simply mesmerising I’m sure you’ll agree.

Artist Impression Of Caged Magpies

As you can see I managed to capture six Magpies. A good haul I thought, six for gold and all that. I was all set to be a very rich man. Unfortunately as you can see, the Magpies didn’t really get along as I expected. There was no chilling, and certainly no writing of poetry. Instead they attacked one another. Pretty intensely as well. One of them was split in half, one lost a wing, another a foot. An awful lot of claret was spilt. Blood everywhere you looked. Only one survived, somehow it seems he got himself a top hat? Simply stunning creatures though, I’m sure you agree? Unfortunately one Magpie equals sorrow. So all my effort was really for nothing. I can see one Magpie everyday without having to capture five others and see them all die. Ah well, all in the name of science. Even Einstein took some hits before he worked out the theory of relativity. (He drove a car drunk into an old folks home in 1937. Explain that one genius)

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