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  • THE RULES OF THE METAL GODS (transcribed by Thrush)

    28 Feb 2010, 8:03 de THRUSHTILLDEATH

    One night I was at my computer listening to an original pressing of Black Sabbath's first album while discussing witchcraft and Occultism on myspace with a few of my friends (who happen to be in KVLT and TR00 black metal bands that only released 50 copies of their one and only recording, and only 10 out of 50 of those albums sold, the recording was recorded on a faulty tape cassette player from 1984) a guy named Gary Gus confronted me and told me that he has come down from Metal Heaven to tell me that I am the Tr00est metal head on Earth and has a reward for me. He would read out the rules of the metal gods, which to be honest was incredibly fucking BORING! what a shit cunt! Firstly he tells me I am the Tr00est KVLT Metull guy on planet Earth now he is lecturing me.

    so according to Gary Gus AKA The Mettul God you must follow these rules, its a 3 strikes and your out thing, break 3 of them and you will NEVER reach metal heaven and but worst of all be a completely failed P0000000SER!!!!11111

    1 Ignore people who dont like Metal they aren't worth your time.

    2 you're not aloud to think its okay for Thrash and Grind bands to forget their punk influence.

    3 No Deathcore, Nu Metal or Metalcore if you listen to it you are sinning! The metal gods HATE sinning!!

    4 We all love the band Death!!!(except for a few fags who wont be going to Metal Heaven) but name dropping them to seem cool makes you a poser, and stop saying they are "DA GREATIST DETH METUL BAND EVA11111!!!!!!!" because their DM bands that are also just as great.

    5 Death>Morbid Angel>Possessed don't agree? well fuck you then! THE METAL GODS WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!

    6 Black Sabbath or get the fuck out!

    7 Doom Metal is awesome if you think its slow! and boring you have the the smartness are cleverness that good ol' drugged fucked Ozzy has in his old age.

    8 666 refers to Iron Maiden not Satan, AND no im not 555 and your not 666 you fucking maggoty ass poser!

    9 No Dyed Black Emo Haircuts and no 40 + piercings! sorry if you have those then you cannot be in our KVLT and TR00 Metal Club.

    10 No Cannibal Corpse's album Kill is NOT their best album! ITS NOT EVEN A FUCKING DEATH METAL ALBUM!!!!! If you want to hear Cannibal Corpse playing Death Metal listen to anything else they did, but if you want them playing awesome Death Metal listen to the first 4 with Chris Barnes, but not Six Feet Under!!!!

    11 Korn did NOT bring back metal in the 90's!

    12 If you own Cryptopy's: The Unspoken King, Entombed: Vampire Blues, and any thing that In Flames did in the 2000's YOU WILL BE BANISHED FROM METAL HEAVEN!!!!!

    13 the more shows you go to the more metal points you get, and when you harm or injure a scene poser you hit the metal jack pot! ;)

    14 NO KARATE BULLSHIT IN THE MOSH!!!!!!

    15 Its Okay if your a Black Metal band to steal your lyrics from books on Satanism, Occultism and Witch Craft and its also okay if you are a Goregrind band and steal your lyrics from Medical Journals

    There was another 2 pages but they somehow disappeared when I went to Norway, It got stolen by some assholes who ran out of Joint rolling papers, FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!

    If there are any mistakes its the Metal god's fault so blame them NOT me!