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Tell us your best joke

 
    • BagRaider escribió...
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    • 25 Nov 2009, 17:13
    Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

    • nuklr escribió...
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    • 26 Nov 2009, 0:50
    BagRaider said:
    Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


    Haha, this is fantastic.

    • Karilo13 escribió...
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    • 26 Nov 2009, 3:14
    Q: Why does Beyonce only sing "to the left, to the left"?
    A: Cuz nigg*rs have no rights.

    :/

    • V1nc3ntK escribió...
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    • 27 Nov 2009, 11:00

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    • Karilo13 escribió...
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    • 28 Nov 2009, 0:31
    V1nc3ntK said:


    Hahaha. I love it. :D

    • Karilo13 escribió...
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    • 28 Nov 2009, 0:34
    My favorite knock, knock joke is.

    Person 1 : knock, knock
    Person 2: who's there?
    Person 1: interrupting cow.
    Person 2: interrupting cow w...
    Person 1: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    • haha526 escribió...
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    • 28 Nov 2009, 1:52
    ;P
    A wife was in the kitchen and noticed the sink was leaky, she said "honey, can you please fix this?"
    He responded, "I ain't no damned plumber."
    She returned to the kitchen and noticed the lights were flickering. She said, "honey, can you please fix this?"
    He again responded with, "I ain't no damned electrician."
    Angrily she walked outside to smoke and tripped on a loose step, she screamed "you better fix this damned step.!"
    He said, "I ain't no damned landscaper."

    The next day, the husband got back from work and noticed everything was fixed, he asked "how'd you get everything fixed?"
    She said, "I called your brother."
    "How'd you get him to fix it"
    "He said I either slept with him or baked him a cake."
    "What flavor did you make him"
    She responded, "I ain't no damned Betty Crocker."

    Long, isn't it? ;P

    dani_StarShip "lay down, pass time" ;]

  • Karilo13 said:
    My favorite knock, knock joke is.

    Person 1 : knock, knock
    Person 2: who's there?
    Person 1: interrupting cow.
    Person 2: interrupting cow w...
    Person 1: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


    My 9 year old will freaking LOVE this, and I, of course, loved it too. :P

  • KSscout720 said:
    Karilo13 said:
    My favorite knock, knock joke is.

    Person 1 : knock, knock
    Person 2: who's there?
    Person 1: interrupting cow.
    Person 2: interrupting cow w...
    Person 1: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


    My 9 year old will freaking LOVE this, and I, of course, loved it too. :P


    Lol! My 9 year old daughter just asked me yesterday, if I knew any good knock-knock jokes.

    • roarks escribió...
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    • 29 Nov 2009, 7:32
    Two men are in heaven.

    First guy: How did you die?
    Second guy: Hypothermia. How about you?
    First guy: For months I knew my wife had been having an affair. One day I came home in the middle of the work day to catch her, and sure enough, there was another car in the driveway. I ran upstairs to find her sitting on the bed knitting. I looked everywhere; in the closets. in the basement. in the attic. Everywhere. I knew the f*cker was in there somewhere and I just couldn't handle it. Got too worked up, had a heart attack, and that was it.
    Second guy: That's really funny.
    First guy: Why?
    Second guy: Well, if you'd checked the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

  • "Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains."

    • roarks escribió...
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    • 29 Nov 2009, 20:35
    Q: How did the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
    A: The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

  • Man goes to the doctor because he is very concerned his penis is turning orange. The doctor gives the man a thorough examination and finds nothing wrong. He starts asking the man questions " What do you do for a living? " " I'm unemployed " " Well what do you do all day? " " I mostly sit around watching porn and eating Cheetos."

    The definition of determination: An ant crawling up an elephants ass with rape on his mind.

    • thessad escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 2:07
    Q: Why can't Sally ride a bike?
    A: Sally has cerebral palsy.

  • Q. What is blue, has white polka dots, and swims in the water?
    A. Dolphin, forget the white polka dots.

    Q. What is yellow, has green stripes, and you can eat it?
    A. Banana, forget the green stripes.

    You can do this repeatively for anything!
    Hahahah ;DD

    • Karilo13 escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 8:12
    CrybKeeper said:
    KSscout720 said:
    Karilo13 said:
    My favorite knock, knock joke is.

    Person 1 : knock, knock
    Person 2: who's there?
    Person 1: interrupting cow.
    Person 2: interrupting cow w...
    Person 1: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


    My 9 year old will freaking LOVE this, and I, of course, loved it too. :P


    Lol! My 9 year old daughter just asked me yesterday, if I knew any good knock-knock jokes.


    My 4 year old nephew didn't get it, but he still laughed at my moooing :D

    • NFXFSX escribió...
    • Suscriptor
    • 30 Nov 2009, 8:13
    V1nc3ntK said:


    hahaha awesome

    • Karilo13 escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 8:31
    I like telling jokes that you can use hand gestures or change your voice like:

    Q: What do gay horses eat?
    A: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!

    Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
    A: Na-Cho Cheese!

    • V1nc3ntK escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 11:13
    A man walks into a pub does a triple back flip onto a chair, then cartwheels over to the bar does a handstand on it, kicks off swings from the light fitting before bouncing off the jukebox to stand in front of the barman and orders a pint of bitter, which he downs in one before moonwalking back out of the door.

    A guy standing at the bar says to the barman " Wow that was unusual "

    and the Barman replies " Certainly was, he usually drinks lager"

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    • [Usuario eliminado] escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 11:21
    Jeremy Beadle Had a huge cock. On the other hand it was tiny.

    • Z1955 escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 15:59
    At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

    Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline, stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

    There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. What-ever possessed you to say that?"

    Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
    "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "FUCK HIM"

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    • V1nc3ntK escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 17:17
    One from a master:

    A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. '
    The doctor said, 'It's old age.'
    The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. '
    The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

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    • Karilo13 escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 18:55

    Sooooo, who loves Disneyland?

    A joke inspired by the Sooooo, who loves Disneyland? thread.

    One day at Disneyland an angry Minnie Mouse tells Mickey Mouse, "I want a divorce!"

    Mickey Mouse, confused, replies, "What? Are you fucking crazy?"

    Minnie Mouse replies, "No, I'm fucking Goofy!"

    • Z1955 escribió...
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    • 30 Nov 2009, 20:33
    Ma and Pa were sitting around one night after supper and Ma said, "Pa, you really need to fix the sittin' plank on the outhouse out there." Ma had mentioned it several times before, but Pa had put it off for as long as he could. So he agreed to go out and have a look.

    They took the short walk to the outhouse and Pa asked Ma to show him exactly what the problem was. Ma told him he had to stick his head down the hole a bit so he could see what the problem is.

    Pa bent over and stuck his head down the hole. He hollers back at Ma that he doesn't see any problems down there and pulls his head back thru the hole. As he does some his beard gets caught in a small crack right at the front of the hole. Pa says, "Damn, that hurt. Musta pulled out 3 or 4 of my chin whiskers."

    Ma says, "Now you know what it feels like... fix it."

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  • Z1955 said:
    Ma and Pa were sitting around one night after supper and Ma said, "Pa, you really need to fix the sittin' plank on the outhouse out there." Ma had mentioned it several times before, but Pa had put it off for as long as he could. So he agreed to go out and have a look.

    They took the short walk to the outhouse and Pa asked Ma to show him exactly what the problem was. Ma told him he had to stick his head down the hole a bit so he could see what the problem is.

    Pa bent over and stuck his head down the hole. He hollers back at Ma that he doesn't see any problems down there and pulls his head back thru the hole. As he does some his beard gets caught in a small crack right at the front of the hole. Pa says, "Damn, that hurt. Musta pulled out 3 or 4 of my chin whiskers."

    Ma says, "Now you know what it feels like... fix it."


    Gross..

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